One More Before She Goes
February 3rd, 2011 © by Susan SwartzMiriam Swartz and I stopped being in-laws 30 years ago when her son and I divorced. But way back then we agreed that was no reason for us to split up. She could have pushed me away because the divorce was my idea. But by then we were more than standard in-laws. And I was the mother of her only grandchild who, Miriam and I agreed, needed as much consistency as we could provide to weather this family rupture.
Miriam and I also recognized that she and I needed each other. We’d known each other since her son and I dated in high school. She knew my parents. She always said I was the daughter she always wanted. I always said she was my second mother. We promised to continue in those roles and sealed our new alliance with a drink, probably something containing vodka, she being of the cocktail generation.
Through the years people would occasionally marvel at how Miriam and I could remain so tight even after her son went his way and I, mine.
But our divorced status was only a technicality, not a barrier.
When I remarried, Miriam came to our wedding party. She automatically added my new husband to her Christmas list along with my two stepdaughters who came with the marriage. From then on every Easter Miriam would show up with three custom-made baskets for all three daughters.
If she loved you, you and yours were in, which is how she managed to start out officially as mother of one and grandmother of one and still end up with a pretty big brood.
After a while we stopped introducing each other as former in-laws and merely said “this is my friend.” We shared most holidays, her schlepping back and forth between her son’s house and his new family and my house and my new family. Every year we went to the Sing-Along Messiah and screeched out the alto parts together. When my mother got sick with Alzheimer’s, Miriam sat with her and comforted me. When my husband and I moved to Germany Miriam visited and she and her granddaughter and I hopscotched around Europe together.
Miriam died last week at age 90. I am not named in the official obit because that is not newspaper style but I’m helping to put on a memorial celebration with the family, blood and otherwise. She always hated to leave a good party, saying “I probably should be going,” which is why we’re going to give her one more.
I will make her famous rum cake and do my best interpretation of Miriam telling a joke – smoothing her skirt, crossing her ankles and launching into a salty tale that left her audience gasping.
She did not have a spectacular career. She worked mostly as a bookkeeper. She never made a lot of money but she gave generously and quietly to those in need. She did not have a lot of degrees and affiliations but she was a classy lady and a tough act to follow.
Photo: Miriam, Sam and Susan Swartz
Tags: Juicy_Tomatoes, Miriam_Swartz, mother-in-law, Susan_Swartz
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February 4th, 2011 at 9:46 am
Lovely piece. I visited with my first mother in law in the weeks before she died and it was so clear how much closer we could have been if divorce from her son hadn’t separated us, plus distance. I was grateful to see her the half dozen times at the end without any explanations for long absences. Hope you write about the memorial party. These are all fullness-of-life stories for others to share.
February 4th, 2011 at 11:13 am
I was so touched by your article and the love you and your not-so-ex mother-in-law shared. It brought back sadness I have for the loss of my ex in-laws some 26+ years ago when I was “written off” for leaving their son. It would have been wonderful because we had such a fun and loving relationship for 17 years.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
February 4th, 2011 at 11:19 am
Dear Susan, Yes, Miriam was a dear lady and brought her sweetness to all her connections. I remember her as a happy participant at your 60th birthday celebration and I remember thinking that I wanted to grow up to be a wonderful lady like that in my eightieth decade. You two were a force of nature and it was wonderful to be included in your circle. As I age, I value more the “who people are” rather than the “what people achieve”. Miriam was a high achiever in the “who she was” category. Much love to you, and all her/your family.
February 4th, 2011 at 5:04 pm
Susan,
This is a great tribute. Thank you so much for letting us get to know her through your words.
February 6th, 2011 at 8:58 am
From Marylu In NorCal:
I love this. Miriam ran her life with her heart. Seems like she did what seemed right and comfortable, and that included not letting go of a great connection the two of you had, not to mention the strong grandmother connection. I was very touched when (long ago) my own ex-mother in law made matching dresses for her granddaughter as well as my little daughter from the next marriage. Embrace all those who seem like your family, Miriam had the right idea! Condolences for your loss. Marylu
February 6th, 2011 at 9:01 am
From Jan in SoCal:
Susan, Thanks for writing this. Although Mariam’s obit was beautiful, you needed to be a part of it just as you were such a major part of her life for so many years. I read your email to me regarding your contributions to today’s celebration and I have to admit, while reading it to Dwight, my voice faded at the deviled eggs. I had to swallow hard. We wish we were there today to toast a truly remarkable, loving, giving woman. Hugs to all (you know who they are). Right about now I’m remembering the day you said “you should stop and see Mariam. She’d love to see you.” Why, oh why??? We can never go back, can we?
February 6th, 2011 at 9:01 am
From Martha in Memphis:
Susan, Thanks for a beautiful tribute to “Gram” as that is what I called her and the way I knew her. I treasure the fact that she was able to attend and delighted in the wedding for Jerry and Sam in 2006 in Memphis. Wish I were there to celebrate a powerful life of love, family and grace. Give my best to all today, Martha
February 6th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
My heartfelt condolences, Susan. How poignant your strong sweet memories are of the relationship and woman who saw beyond the ordinary in her desire and ability to continue and foster her relationship with you.
February 9th, 2011 at 9:58 am
You’ve struck a chord here, obviously. First, I am sorry for your loss.
I am another of the fortunate ones. My first husband’s parents are still on the planet at 89 and 90 and I have enjoyed a close relationship to them my entire adult life (and even before, as David and I were high school sweeties). I am included in all the family doings and they were my first house guests when I moved to Eugene…even though they live in Northeast Ohio. It helped that I bore their first grandchild. But that was just the beginning of a rich and nuanced relationship.
February 12th, 2011 at 11:25 am
what a sweet connection, Jane. And so lucky for you to have them still on the planet. I think this kind of relationship is also good for our own kids to recognize.. the possibilities of family..
February 17th, 2011 at 10:30 am
Beautiful, very moving piece. it’s so good that two very special women found each other